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Issue 649
TEENAGERS
Every adult has experienced adolescence, but not all adults know how to connect with teenagers. If you have teenagers at home, you may be pulling your hair out right now.
It’s well known that teenagers go through hormonal changes, sometimes beginning as young as age eleven. These hormonal changes can many times add intensity to the teen’s behaviors. Understanding this is important, because what teens eat and drink will contribute to those hormonal changes in a negative or positive manner.
When children and teens eat a lot of processed foods, refined sugar, and fast food, it will impact their brain in such a way that it can be difficult for them to fully process their emotions and thoughts. Many times, the emotions and thoughts get processed halfway and they react on those in an uncomfortable and disrespectful manner. Establishing a healthy diet begins at home and very early. Genetically modified foods have also been linked to behaviors that might be labeled ADD or ADHD.
Aside from diet that can take hours to research, many teenagers do not feel understood and many carry anger for a variety of reasons. In my experience, teens have carried anger as the result of being labeled, judged, abused, and misunderstood most of the time. It becomes a survival mechanism to be angry and push people away. When a teen pushes away his or her parent/s, anger within the parents can be the result. That parent may push back and arguments ensue. Then the argument ends (many times with slammed doors), silence for a while, and lack of communication occurs that leads up to the next argument. It’s a vicious cycle.
Optimally, parents want to deeply bond with their children at or prior to birth. When bonding occurs, few problems are seen during the adolescent stage (unless some other trauma occurs outside the home). However, when one or both parents do not deeply bond (this goes above and beyond love) with their young child, the consequences can be most obvious in adolescence. If you’re expecting a child or have young children, NOW is the time to bond.
If a teenager is already angry, defiant, and uncooperative, parents can begin with offering understanding and creating a safe place to communicate frustrations without judgment. Begin establishing a line of continued communication and remove any and all judgment. Do create boundaries, expectations, and discernment, but once judgment comes into the picture, the teen will most likely shut down. This is not about coddling; it’s about creating a mutually respectful relationship and a safe home.
Next, set the example you want your teen to follow. If you want your teen to follow through with agreements, then make sure that you are already doing that. If you want your teen to be honest, you need to as well. Never ask your teen to do what you’re not willing to do yourself. Set the example with self-integrity. Examples are much louder than words.
There can be many suggestions to offer in how to create a harmonious relationship with your teen. One final suggestion here is to create play in the family. Take time to play; spend time or offer to spend time with your teen doing what he or she wants to do. Keep your mind focused on them during that time and be invested in establishing that strong relationship. Adolescence eventually ends. Hopefully the relationship with your child is a life-long one.
TEENAGERS
Every adult has experienced adolescence, but not all adults know how to connect with teenagers. If you have teenagers at home, you may be pulling your hair out right now.
It’s well known that teenagers go through hormonal changes, sometimes beginning as young as age eleven. These hormonal changes can many times add intensity to the teen’s behaviors. Understanding this is important, because what teens eat and drink will contribute to those hormonal changes in a negative or positive manner.
When children and teens eat a lot of processed foods, refined sugar, and fast food, it will impact their brain in such a way that it can be difficult for them to fully process their emotions and thoughts. Many times, the emotions and thoughts get processed halfway and they react on those in an uncomfortable and disrespectful manner. Establishing a healthy diet begins at home and very early. Genetically modified foods have also been linked to behaviors that might be labeled ADD or ADHD.
Aside from diet that can take hours to research, many teenagers do not feel understood and many carry anger for a variety of reasons. In my experience, teens have carried anger as the result of being labeled, judged, abused, and misunderstood most of the time. It becomes a survival mechanism to be angry and push people away. When a teen pushes away his or her parent/s, anger within the parents can be the result. That parent may push back and arguments ensue. Then the argument ends (many times with slammed doors), silence for a while, and lack of communication occurs that leads up to the next argument. It’s a vicious cycle.
Optimally, parents want to deeply bond with their children at or prior to birth. When bonding occurs, few problems are seen during the adolescent stage (unless some other trauma occurs outside the home). However, when one or both parents do not deeply bond (this goes above and beyond love) with their young child, the consequences can be most obvious in adolescence. If you’re expecting a child or have young children, NOW is the time to bond.
If a teenager is already angry, defiant, and uncooperative, parents can begin with offering understanding and creating a safe place to communicate frustrations without judgment. Begin establishing a line of continued communication and remove any and all judgment. Do create boundaries, expectations, and discernment, but once judgment comes into the picture, the teen will most likely shut down. This is not about coddling; it’s about creating a mutually respectful relationship and a safe home.
Next, set the example you want your teen to follow. If you want your teen to follow through with agreements, then make sure that you are already doing that. If you want your teen to be honest, you need to as well. Never ask your teen to do what you’re not willing to do yourself. Set the example with self-integrity. Examples are much louder than words.
There can be many suggestions to offer in how to create a harmonious relationship with your teen. One final suggestion here is to create play in the family. Take time to play; spend time or offer to spend time with your teen doing what he or she wants to do. Keep your mind focused on them during that time and be invested in establishing that strong relationship. Adolescence eventually ends. Hopefully the relationship with your child is a life-long one.
Issue 651
THE YEARNING OF BABES
Right after I pulled into the parking lot of a local grocery store and began the short walk to the store, I noticed a young couple with a little girl as they were getting out of their run-down car. They both looked stressed, tired, and impatient, while the little girl was not acting ‘right’ and the mother became irritated very quickly.
I also noticed that the little girl, who appeared to be around age four, wanted to hold her father’s hand. He refused her request. She cried. He let her hold his hand. My heart went out to her desire for love and affection.
A short time later as I was choosing my items in the grocery store, I saw them again. The little girl had touched something or was doing something annoying and the mother became irritated. The child began to cry at the mother’s harsh reprimand and I could hear the mother also say, “Stop touching things!” as I walked away. I wasn’t sure if I had heard a light slap; I was hoping I hadn’t. It pains me to know when parents hit their children.
Walking away, I thought, ‘Children just want to be children. They touch things, they want to cuddle, they want your attention, they’re curious. They yearn for love, affection, and the freedom to learn.’
Part of me wanted to say something and part of me could see the potential judgment in their eyes. I was probably fifteen years older than them. I had my office clothes on, my nice purse and NO children hanging on me asking me for ongoing attention. I wasn’t stressed, hurried, or angry. What would I know about their situation?
Maybe I remember my early parenthood years: the years I worked at McDonald’s for $5.50 an hour as a single mother desperately hoping I would receive child support. Maybe I remembered living paycheck-to-paycheck, even with two jobs, and attending college with the feeling as if my life would never really begin. Maybe I remembered my little cheap car that had no air conditioning and a little girl who wanted my attention all the time and I would willingly give it. I gave it because I knew that ultimately her feelings and assurances were more important than how I felt at any given time. She was my priority.
I was thinking that very thing as I was checking out with my groceries and I saw them again in the checkout lane next to me. “Stop touching that!! I am so sick of this!” I heard the mother say and then the father say, “You are so on my bad list. I’m so sick of this!” Loud enough for customers to turn and see what all the fuss was about.
Our children are only children for so long. Love them. Teach them. Honor their uniqueness and their desire to learn.
THE YEARNING OF BABES
Right after I pulled into the parking lot of a local grocery store and began the short walk to the store, I noticed a young couple with a little girl as they were getting out of their run-down car. They both looked stressed, tired, and impatient, while the little girl was not acting ‘right’ and the mother became irritated very quickly.
I also noticed that the little girl, who appeared to be around age four, wanted to hold her father’s hand. He refused her request. She cried. He let her hold his hand. My heart went out to her desire for love and affection.
A short time later as I was choosing my items in the grocery store, I saw them again. The little girl had touched something or was doing something annoying and the mother became irritated. The child began to cry at the mother’s harsh reprimand and I could hear the mother also say, “Stop touching things!” as I walked away. I wasn’t sure if I had heard a light slap; I was hoping I hadn’t. It pains me to know when parents hit their children.
Walking away, I thought, ‘Children just want to be children. They touch things, they want to cuddle, they want your attention, they’re curious. They yearn for love, affection, and the freedom to learn.’
Part of me wanted to say something and part of me could see the potential judgment in their eyes. I was probably fifteen years older than them. I had my office clothes on, my nice purse and NO children hanging on me asking me for ongoing attention. I wasn’t stressed, hurried, or angry. What would I know about their situation?
Maybe I remember my early parenthood years: the years I worked at McDonald’s for $5.50 an hour as a single mother desperately hoping I would receive child support. Maybe I remembered living paycheck-to-paycheck, even with two jobs, and attending college with the feeling as if my life would never really begin. Maybe I remembered my little cheap car that had no air conditioning and a little girl who wanted my attention all the time and I would willingly give it. I gave it because I knew that ultimately her feelings and assurances were more important than how I felt at any given time. She was my priority.
I was thinking that very thing as I was checking out with my groceries and I saw them again in the checkout lane next to me. “Stop touching that!! I am so sick of this!” I heard the mother say and then the father say, “You are so on my bad list. I’m so sick of this!” Loud enough for customers to turn and see what all the fuss was about.
Our children are only children for so long. Love them. Teach them. Honor their uniqueness and their desire to learn.
Issue 653
ABSORBING ENERGY
Part 1 of 2
Have you ever noticed that when your child or teenager comes home from hanging out with a certain friend, group of friend or a family member and he or she seems off? Maybe your kid has taken on bits of the other person’s personality, anger, depression, issue, or mannerisms? This is called absorbing energy.
We all have an energy field, but most people cannot see it with their physical eyes. It can be seen with some technology equipment, however. Our energy field is full of our thoughts, emotions, and issues or lack thereof. For example, if a person is generally truly (no faking) happy, his or her energy field will have lightness to it. A person who carries depression and fear will have a more heavy energy field. A person who is very angry might have a ‘prickly’ energy field or one that seems to get triggered real fast and easily. I’m using general terms to create a visual and feeling of what an energy field might be like when we pay attention.
When your teenager, in this case, is hanging out a lot with friends who carry strong opinions about authority, parents, and teachers and perhaps carry energy of defiance, your teen is likely to begin absorbing that to a degree given different settings. If your teenager spends a lot of time with those particular friends, you might find that your teenager begins having the same opinions, but not have a reason why. There may be no pointing reason to have those same opinions, but they’re there regardless. This is absorbing. This is not about judging the friends, just understanding what’s going on.
In another situation, your young child attends daycare. He or she may be in a room where several of the children have anxiety or separation issues. Maybe your child didn’t have that problem until one or two months after attending this particular daycare. That is absorbing. It’s not conscious; it’s unconscious. Meaning, it’s not intentional, but still a matter of fact nonetheless. So you begin to see your child crying more, having separation anxiety, maybe wetting the bed after successful potty training or exhibiting other behaviors that weren’t there before.
When we absorb energy from others, it becomes a distraction. We begin having thoughts and feelings that aren’t really our own, but they may feel like our own. So when you notice your child or teenager doing this, you first have to have awareness of it. Understand what is going on first. Then in the next Pathway Parenting article, I’ll give some tips on how to help resolve this issue.
ABSORBING ENERGY
Part 1 of 2
Have you ever noticed that when your child or teenager comes home from hanging out with a certain friend, group of friend or a family member and he or she seems off? Maybe your kid has taken on bits of the other person’s personality, anger, depression, issue, or mannerisms? This is called absorbing energy.
We all have an energy field, but most people cannot see it with their physical eyes. It can be seen with some technology equipment, however. Our energy field is full of our thoughts, emotions, and issues or lack thereof. For example, if a person is generally truly (no faking) happy, his or her energy field will have lightness to it. A person who carries depression and fear will have a more heavy energy field. A person who is very angry might have a ‘prickly’ energy field or one that seems to get triggered real fast and easily. I’m using general terms to create a visual and feeling of what an energy field might be like when we pay attention.
When your teenager, in this case, is hanging out a lot with friends who carry strong opinions about authority, parents, and teachers and perhaps carry energy of defiance, your teen is likely to begin absorbing that to a degree given different settings. If your teenager spends a lot of time with those particular friends, you might find that your teenager begins having the same opinions, but not have a reason why. There may be no pointing reason to have those same opinions, but they’re there regardless. This is absorbing. This is not about judging the friends, just understanding what’s going on.
In another situation, your young child attends daycare. He or she may be in a room where several of the children have anxiety or separation issues. Maybe your child didn’t have that problem until one or two months after attending this particular daycare. That is absorbing. It’s not conscious; it’s unconscious. Meaning, it’s not intentional, but still a matter of fact nonetheless. So you begin to see your child crying more, having separation anxiety, maybe wetting the bed after successful potty training or exhibiting other behaviors that weren’t there before.
When we absorb energy from others, it becomes a distraction. We begin having thoughts and feelings that aren’t really our own, but they may feel like our own. So when you notice your child or teenager doing this, you first have to have awareness of it. Understand what is going on first. Then in the next Pathway Parenting article, I’ll give some tips on how to help resolve this issue.
Issue 655
WHEN CHILDREN ABSORB ENERGY
Part 2 of 2
When children absorb energy from another person or people, they tend to take on people’s emotions, mannerisms and sometimes even memories. Everything is energy. We are made of energy and we experience energy on a daily basis.
If you can walk into a room and feel the overall tone or mood, you can feel energy. Actually, everyone can feel energy. It’s just that not everyone recognizes they feel energy. Everything is energy. How we choose to experience it can impact our quality of life. How our children experience energy can impact their quality of life.
What do you do when you notice your children or teenagers begin acting different in different settings? Perhaps your teenager is always sullen and depressed after she visits with one particular friend or group of friends. Maybe your young son begins acting out after he attends a particular activity or spends time around certain people. Given these situations, the child or teenager can be experiencing something different than absorbing. However, absorbing is quite common because many people do not recognize energy around them.
When you or your children absorb energy, signs of it may not show up right away. It may take a few days. When this occurs, many times people do not make the connection between acting or feeling odd and a particular previous setting or interaction with someone.
First, when you perceive your young children may be absorbing energy from their non-home or home environment, you can hold your child in your arms and close your eyes. Then visualize a silver bubble around your children. This bubble goes from head to toe and is a strong silver color. You are using the energy of your mind field to place a temporary protection around your children’s energy field. Do this daily. When your children get older, they can do this themselves. Many people have told me this works in seeing a change in their children’s behavior or how they feel themselves when they do it for themselves.
If your children are teenagers, do something different. You can certainly share the visualization technique. But it may be more effective to simply talk with your teen about changes you see in her when she returns home from a certain environment. You can ask different questions to determine if he notices the same thing when he returns home or a few days later. It’s important to stress that this is not about judging anyone right or wrong, but to determine a cause and begin working on the cause in a different way. It’s very important to talk with your teens on a regular basis. There are different ways to approach this. In the next Pathway Parenting article, I will address the different ways.
WHEN CHILDREN ABSORB ENERGY
Part 2 of 2
When children absorb energy from another person or people, they tend to take on people’s emotions, mannerisms and sometimes even memories. Everything is energy. We are made of energy and we experience energy on a daily basis.
If you can walk into a room and feel the overall tone or mood, you can feel energy. Actually, everyone can feel energy. It’s just that not everyone recognizes they feel energy. Everything is energy. How we choose to experience it can impact our quality of life. How our children experience energy can impact their quality of life.
What do you do when you notice your children or teenagers begin acting different in different settings? Perhaps your teenager is always sullen and depressed after she visits with one particular friend or group of friends. Maybe your young son begins acting out after he attends a particular activity or spends time around certain people. Given these situations, the child or teenager can be experiencing something different than absorbing. However, absorbing is quite common because many people do not recognize energy around them.
When you or your children absorb energy, signs of it may not show up right away. It may take a few days. When this occurs, many times people do not make the connection between acting or feeling odd and a particular previous setting or interaction with someone.
First, when you perceive your young children may be absorbing energy from their non-home or home environment, you can hold your child in your arms and close your eyes. Then visualize a silver bubble around your children. This bubble goes from head to toe and is a strong silver color. You are using the energy of your mind field to place a temporary protection around your children’s energy field. Do this daily. When your children get older, they can do this themselves. Many people have told me this works in seeing a change in their children’s behavior or how they feel themselves when they do it for themselves.
If your children are teenagers, do something different. You can certainly share the visualization technique. But it may be more effective to simply talk with your teen about changes you see in her when she returns home from a certain environment. You can ask different questions to determine if he notices the same thing when he returns home or a few days later. It’s important to stress that this is not about judging anyone right or wrong, but to determine a cause and begin working on the cause in a different way. It’s very important to talk with your teens on a regular basis. There are different ways to approach this. In the next Pathway Parenting article, I will address the different ways.
Issue 657
COMMUNICATING TO TEENAGERS
No one every said parenting a teenager was easy. But then, no one ever said being a teenager was easy. There are few teenagers out there who do not experience strong hormonal changes, fluctuation in moods, friendship issues, teacher issues, a feeling of not belonging at some point, or a general feeling of inadequacy. But that is part of growing up. It’s a fact of life for many teenagers. The question is how do you, as a parent, maintain a positive relationship with your teen so they’ll want to be around you after they’ve moved out and are living their own lives?
It can be said that most parents argue with their teens about something. Maybe it’s about curfew, money, cell phone bill, sports, friends, clothing selections, drugs, smoking/drinking, or something else. Teenagers want to feel independent and safe at the same time. What becomes difficult for many is how they communicate that desire. Effective communication is a learned skill. It’s not usually something that is learned overnight. We either learn it through continued practice with our own parents or we proactively learn how to communicate through another source, such as later counseling. Either way, effective communication is key to a healthy relationship, especially with teens.
I’ve met people who say they don’t know how to connect with teens in general or their own teen. That is problematic if you have a teen at home. All kids want to bond with their parents. All kids want to feel safe, loved, and nurtured. But if that safety, love, and nurturing are not routinely and unconditionally offered, in the younger years, it makes it difficult for the teen to trust you now. But it’s not impossible.
Trust is an energy that is developed over time. Infants learn to trust you when you meet their every need in a timely manner. Children trust you when you are honest, compassionate, and consistent. Teens trust you when you listen and honestly respond as if you were, in fact, listening. That is where I see the problem many times.
How many times do parents interrupt their teen before he or she is done speaking? How many times do parents plan what they’re going to say as the teen is still speaking and likely miss some of what he or she is actually saying? When you listen to your teenagers, you need to listen with your intuitive, your mind, and your ears. Are they saying what they really mean or are they saying what they feel are safe to say? Is there a fear of judgment that prevents full honesty with you?
A few rules I lived by as I raised my teenage daughter. Be honest. Carry self-integrity. Be the example. Never judge, but do discern. Make eye contact. Never push my beliefs or issues on to her. She doesn’t need those. She needs the freedom to develop her own unique personality so she can blossom in adult life and still wants to spend time with her family when she’s thirty years old and beyond.
COMMUNICATING TO TEENAGERS
No one every said parenting a teenager was easy. But then, no one ever said being a teenager was easy. There are few teenagers out there who do not experience strong hormonal changes, fluctuation in moods, friendship issues, teacher issues, a feeling of not belonging at some point, or a general feeling of inadequacy. But that is part of growing up. It’s a fact of life for many teenagers. The question is how do you, as a parent, maintain a positive relationship with your teen so they’ll want to be around you after they’ve moved out and are living their own lives?
It can be said that most parents argue with their teens about something. Maybe it’s about curfew, money, cell phone bill, sports, friends, clothing selections, drugs, smoking/drinking, or something else. Teenagers want to feel independent and safe at the same time. What becomes difficult for many is how they communicate that desire. Effective communication is a learned skill. It’s not usually something that is learned overnight. We either learn it through continued practice with our own parents or we proactively learn how to communicate through another source, such as later counseling. Either way, effective communication is key to a healthy relationship, especially with teens.
I’ve met people who say they don’t know how to connect with teens in general or their own teen. That is problematic if you have a teen at home. All kids want to bond with their parents. All kids want to feel safe, loved, and nurtured. But if that safety, love, and nurturing are not routinely and unconditionally offered, in the younger years, it makes it difficult for the teen to trust you now. But it’s not impossible.
Trust is an energy that is developed over time. Infants learn to trust you when you meet their every need in a timely manner. Children trust you when you are honest, compassionate, and consistent. Teens trust you when you listen and honestly respond as if you were, in fact, listening. That is where I see the problem many times.
How many times do parents interrupt their teen before he or she is done speaking? How many times do parents plan what they’re going to say as the teen is still speaking and likely miss some of what he or she is actually saying? When you listen to your teenagers, you need to listen with your intuitive, your mind, and your ears. Are they saying what they really mean or are they saying what they feel are safe to say? Is there a fear of judgment that prevents full honesty with you?
A few rules I lived by as I raised my teenage daughter. Be honest. Carry self-integrity. Be the example. Never judge, but do discern. Make eye contact. Never push my beliefs or issues on to her. She doesn’t need those. She needs the freedom to develop her own unique personality so she can blossom in adult life and still wants to spend time with her family when she’s thirty years old and beyond.
MORE "PATHWAY PARENTING" ARTICLES TO COME...